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emo thoughts. @

let my emo and thoughts flow in this entry.

countless people have been asking me.
why do i go to the seaseme website when i visit ur blog.
they dont have my password.
and my password is not easily given (unless u hack of course).

looking back.
i am still a failure.
in my 18 years of life.

i never did something that my parents are proud of.
not of one that i know.
my secondary sch chinese orchestra days. overshone by my sista.
my results cant be compared with my sister anyway.
and joining the student councils means wasting time to them.
even my family.
whole of them.
getting into poly was nothing compared to my sista getting into NTU.
and when my sista pass her liscence. everypne praised her.
when i did. i got nothing.

and i start to feel im a burden to my family.
it seems that all i do is.
ask for money.
money. and more money.
its true i spend alot more on than my sista.
shown in the bank account.
and i realised i have been draining more on the resources the older i grow.

and talk about care.
i think my family define that as money.
its true.
when i completed my secondary sch education. they gave me money to go for holidays.
when i got my lisence. they gave my the car key. and wanted to buy a car for me.
when i go out. i easily have $20 in my wallet. without asking.
all i need is to just open my mouth and ask. or reach out for the cash
that wasnt what i needed.
when i got caught for shoplifting, covering up someone esles asses.
all they did was bailed me out.
and din say anything.

mummy. daddy.
if u see this.
i want to let you know.
i appreciate you for bringing me up.
but cold cash isnt what i wished for.

you taught me the basic principals when im young.
the days where daddy is still a junk collector.
u taught me the importance of working hard, having frends and plan for the future.
i learnt how happy was back then.
the days where daddy was a taxi driver.
we went to grand's house more often as a family.
and now. the days when daddy made it.
we cant even have dinner together.
i rather have the simplicity of life.

and for who am i today.
i learnt the hard way.
not to trust people easily.
and i know deep inside there are people who make use of me.
of my cash. of my lisence. of ME.
and society taught me to put on a fake front.
its a mircial for me to step so far.
raine. tine. sox. brother[x]. rachel and numberous friends
they shaped my life.
and of course the only relationship that i have been into.

if i were to choose.
forget the blings blings.
pamper me. dote me . spoil me.

and . i swear .
i will excel . succeed. outshine my sister in the future.
watch me.

his footsteps